My un-permanent life

Growing up, I think I think I've moved houses around 10 times, at least. I'm not even sure if that includes the New Zealand moves which was 3 houses in 2 years, but that's alright because our first flat was tiny. And when my mother came over, we had to move to a better place. The second one was okay too, more space, and then my 2 sisters were coming over so we decided to move again, to a "real" house. Anyway, since childhood I think the longest I've continually lived in one place was about 10 years. I have friends who haven't even moved houses since they were born, and I always thought that that was very weird because I thought that you had to move every 2 years or so, but then as I grew up, I realised that we were the weird ones moving around all the time and I constantly had to change addresses on IDs and forms and all those stuff.

It's probably one of the reasons why I have a messy room (not that I'm trying to blame anything for my messiness) with all the clutters and stuff everywhere. I guess I don't want to permanently put my stuff away somewhere and get that notion that this goes there forever, because I know it won't. In a few years or so, I'd have to pack it away anyway. When I was a kid, I had this dresser where I put like a collage of pictures of my friends and family on it and whenever I'd stick a new picture I always wondered where I would put them when we move, or when that dresser is taken away from me. I almost filled that glass with pictures too! Until all of a sudden, we had to move, and I had to put them down because I don't even know if I'd get that dresser again. I've never had something for a long period of time. forever. I'd have something for a couple of years and then just lose it (mostly accidentally, hehe).

It's something that I've noticed in my life, even with some friends, I have them for years and years and then suddenly, gone. Lost communication forever until one day you see those people again all changed and different, like my grade school friends. When I left St. Scho, I stayed in touch for a while, then the calls startedI've managed to still talk and kinda keep in touch with some of my old friends, but it's still not the same of course. They're probably my only real friends, and they don't even know it. It's maybe one of the reasons why I have a hard time having uber-close friends now, because it's reawlly hard to open up to people...its laaaame. ha. The only people right now, apart from some family, that I could really talk to about most things are Dara and Lily.

Anyway, my parents also had this thing where they'd give something to you and then take it away. From small things like toys or little treats, when I was a kid, they'd give it to me, but when my sister wanted it, they'd get it from me and give it to her and they would give that "it's what a big sister has to do because she loves her little sister speech," to big things like when that "crisis" thingy happened, it seemed that everything we had, that they'd given us, turned to *poof* nothing. I bet it was harder for them though, and for my older sisters, I guess nothing could have been done because everything just happened overnight, literally.

I've lived my life with knowing that I can't have everything or stay somewhere forever. I used to live a somewhat i-dont-care-whatever destructive life, because I know that even if I ruin everything I had, I just have to wait... wait for that moment... when I have to pack my bags and move...

But honestly, I'm tired of moving, and waiting for that time when I'm told to cover the glasses with newspaper, and constantly changing everything. I want to fix my room and put things where they belong.

I want to find that place I belong.